From out of the City Read online

  PRAISE FOR FROM OUT OF THE CITY

  “John Kelly’s novel is inventive and intense and—more to the reader’s point—it’s luxuriously involving.” — Richard Ford

  “A big rip-roar of a novel: deeply nuanced, authentic, madcap, and very, very funny indeed. From Out of the City subverts itself and diverts us at the very same time: a wonderful new Irish novel.” — Colum McCann

  “Wild and fresh and invigoratingly demented—this is a fiercely funny novel that will bring to mind the glorious excesses of writers like J. P. Donleavy, John Kennedy Toole and Thomas Pynchon.” — Kevin Barry

  “John Kelly has pulled Dublin out from under our feet and with surgical precision, dexterity and wit, he has dissected it, then reassembled it, before hurling it into the future. From Out of the City has all that is required of good satire: humour, truth and above all the ability to make us more than a little afraid.” — Christine Dwyer Hickey

  “From Out of the City is intricate, outrageous, sophisticated, funny and wonderfully entertaining: what more could a reader ask?” — John Banville

  PRAISE FOR JOHN KELLY

  “John Kelly is an immensely gifted writer—he can do things with the spoken language that are rare to behold and behear.” — Tom Paulin

  “Rampant wit and a deft and elegant control of language …” — The Times

  “Witty, inventive, exhilarating … ”— The Guardian

  FROM OUT OF THE CITY

  FROM OUT OF THE CITY

  John Kelly

  All characters appearing in this work are fictitious.

  Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

  Copyright ©2014 by John Kelly

  First edition, 2014

  All rights reserved

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Kelly, John, 1965-

  From Out of the City / John Kelly. – First edition.

  pages cm

  eISBN 978-1-6289-7001-2

  I. Title.

  PR6061.E4935F76 2014

  823’.914--dc23

  2014001018

  This publication was partially supported by the Illinois Arts Council, a state agency, and the University of Illinois (Urbana-Champaign).

  From Out of the City received financial assistance

  from the Arts Council of Ireland.

  www.dalkeyarchive.com

  Cover image: Visitor, by James Hanley. The owners have granted permission to use this work but wish to remain anonymous. We thank both parties for their generosity.

  Design & composition: Mikhail Iliatov

  for DH & SH

  Mali corvi malum ovum

  CONTENTS

  Prologue

  One

  Two

  Three

  Four

  Five

  Six

  Seven

  Eight

  Nine

  Ten

  Eleven

  Twelve

  Thirteen

  Fourteen

  Fifteen

  Sixteen

  Seventeen

  Eighteen

  Selected Dalkey Archive Titles

  PROLOGUE

  WE ALL KNOW what happened. A small bang. More of a pop than anything and the Commander-in-Chief of the Army and Navy of the United States, and of the Militia of the several States, slumped sideways onto the deep blue carpet of St. Patrick’s Hall. Crimson soaked purple into black and dignitaries screamed at the sight of presidential brains lashed across the broad white britches of George III. There were summer blossoms on the tables, potatoes in their jackets and shattered stars of crystal in the Wicklow lamb. All in all, it was a shocking Smörgåsbord of blood, liquor, mint sauce and bone and many were sorry they missed it.

  After the hopes of the third decade and successive Presidents of relatively benign sensibilities, Richard Rutledge Barnes King had been the unimagined throwback, poking at every vipers’ nest on Earth until the air had once again been filled with the almostforgotten dust of skyscrapers. A proud Memphian, he was a cigar smoker, a pill popper and an alcoholic. His favourite actor was Ernest Borgnine, he played poker with his bodyguards, and he loved his dog – a malodorous, retromingent cockapoo called Elvis. In fact those close to President Richard King might argue that he was, as extremely powerful people go, by no means the worst. Some may even have loved him.

  And perhaps it was darling Princess who loved him best of all. Princess King, the bright young thing who never once stopped calling him Dad and who was, at the time of the shooting, a student at Trinity College and the real reason for the visit in the first place. She was the Presidential daughter, a beauty and a brainbox, said to have fallen so far from the tree as to be interested in literature, fashion, fire music and wine. A high-flier academically and a comet in the Creative Writing course, she paid for her dedication by being permanently locked up, for her own security, along with the Book of Kells, Beckett’s cricket bat and a phalanx of heavily armed men with thick arms and pimply necks. It was no life for a young one but there it was. We don’t choose our fathers or, for that matter, the class of enemy they make.

  According to Channel NB1, Princess was not present at the Castle on the night her father fell. It seems she got the news while relaxing in her bomb-proofed rooms, quietly reading Sheridan Le Fanu and sipping Merlot. And just as well. A mercy surely for Caesar’s daughter not to see his body at its end, fanned by the bloodstained hands of bodyguards and rushed by a copter as if to the Underworld itself – in this case the Phoenix Park, not named for the fabulous bird which might renew her Daddy’s life, but for fionn uisce – clear water which might merely bathe his wound. A single wound by all accounts. A bloody exclamation mark. To the head.

  And so, quite oblivious in Trinity, perhaps Princess had been expecting a call from Dad at any moment. News of when they might meet for a catch-up and a hug. Later that night perhaps. Or, same as last time, a few moments grabbed at the airport in the morning. But of course, when that shot was fired and Richard King tumbled to the Castle carpet, nobody was thinking much about daughters and dads. Already, in the commandeered bunker of Áras an Uachtaráin, it was all motherfucker this and motherfucker that as the American brass glared at a blinding hologram of Planet Earth so lit with data that it looked like a glitter ball. And then, sometime close to dawn, that doctor with the buzz cut appeared live on Channel NB1. He was red-eyed and shaking and he mumbled into a mixed bouquet of microphones that the President was dead and that everything possible had been done.

  The versions of these events are many. Variations on a theme. Conjecture, propaganda, conspiracy theory, misinformation and ballyhoo. The official account, repeated almost daily and which now seems to intersperse the very movements of orchestras and the lulls in sporting occasions, amounts to nothing but pronouncement, obfuscation and spin. The unofficial accounts – the work of hustlers, shysters, speculators and hacks all trying to make a buck on the back of it, are more insidious still. And then of course there are the fantasists, less damnable in many ways but peddlers all the same and their lies, dark and intimate as death, are no different from the rest.

  Until now I have remained silent, watching the lot of them – the officials, the P. T. Barnums and the basket cases alike, all crawling like maggots from the corpses, munching hard on some class of fiction, non-fiction or script. It has not been, I must say, the most edifying of sights – a nation drowning in the self-serving guff of snake-oil salesmen and government-approved gobshites pimping out what’s left of its suffering soul. But now here at last is my version and any invention lurking here, however bespoke, is informed, considered, and earned. I am an old man, I am a clever man. I have been doing what I do for a ve
ry long time and this, my disquisition, is grounded in observation, surveillance and analysis. It is therefore definitive and reliable and serves nothing but itself. It contains therefore the truth. Verum ipsum factum, as per Vico of the Vico Road, Killiney, County Dublin.

  So yes, there may well be gaps in the narrative but I can assure you now that such matters as I cannot know for certain, verifiable by notes both taken and purloined (from sources both peccable and im), I have filled in for myself with rigor and skill, just as a singer might reconstruct a ballad, with accuracy, from whatever fragments he has – the right and proper method by which any ruined song is resurrected. And while the verses it contains may never tell us exactly what happened, they will tell us precisely how people felt. Otherwise how might it ever survive to be sung in human hearts, even in a ragged form, in the shades of subversion and despair?

  Of course I shall do my very best to make it readable, digestible and tolerable but that said, I cannot promise same. For this is no thriller or makey-up tale of suspense. Nor is it some titillating, investigative reconstruction of events which may or may not have happened. It is, rather, an honest and faithful record of breakage and distress at a time when dysfunction – personal, local, national, global, cosmic and whatever lies beyond that again, beyond even the farthest pricks of our increasingly desperate little probes – pervaded all. A time when everything was already broken and when, in many ways, the shooting of a President (the actual detail that is) was neither here nor there.

  After all, Richard Rutledge Barnes King was not the first world leader to be taken out by a single silver bullet. Nor was he the first, for all the power and protection of his office, to meet a violent death while travelling in foreign lands. He was, however, the first to die in the old spawning grounds of Ireland and this is the angle which made things rather more intimate for the country’s eight million citizens and especially intimate for me. Otherwise the actual assassination does not especially concern me. My preoccupation here is not so much the end of life but, rather, its continuance.

  It occurs to me also (and I’m writing this first part last) that if this published testament is now in your hands, then as per my clear instructions to Blood, Tobin & Fry Solicitors, I too must be dead. Deader than dead. And dead, I trust, from nothing more sinister than senescence.

  ONE

  THE FEAST of St. Isidore of Seville and I awoke to the sound of rain. It panicked me briefly – that old spurt of fear that I’d been transported through the night to some foreign land where summer downpours are still imaginable. I thought perhaps that I was in Iceland or Nova Scotia but a quick scan across the yellowing sweep of my pillow was enough to assure me that my locus was as was – my own country, my own house, my own room, my own scratcher. Which was very good news. And what’s more, there had been no bad dreams, it seemed, from which to thrash awake. No twistings of the limbs, no tightenings in the chest, no pulses in the lumpy baldness of my head. An erection too no less. On this unexpectedly wet morning of my eighty-fourth birthday, lo and behold, a boner of pure marble. Happy Birthday to me, I whispered to myself. For I’m not a squishy marshmallow. We’ll roast you on a stick. Bum-tish!

  Eight tumbling decades since I first landed at the South Dublin Lying-in Hospital, Holles Street named for Denzille Holles, Earl of Clare – a place now infested with cut-throats, brigands, smackheads and rats but still serving then, at the hour of my arrival, as The National Maternity. A very palace of human nature.

  – What kind of a name is Monk? asks the midwife.

  – Named for Thelonious, says my father, his eye on the clock.

  – Felonious?

  – θ, says my father, Thelonious with a θ.

  – Oh right, says the midwife (a culchie). Little Thelonious.

  – Yes, says my father, as in Thelonious Sphere.

  – You have me there again, says the midwife (Roscommon).

  – Thelonious fucking Monk, says my mother with a sigh. A fucking trumpet player.

  – Piano, says my father, buttoning up his coat. And celeste on Pannonica.

  – I see, says the midwife, not seeing at all (Boyle).

  – At one stage, says my mother, this prick was pushing for Stockhausen.

  – Stock what? says the midwife (somewhere out beyond Boyle).

  – And Suk, says my mother. That was another one.

  – It’s pronounced Sook, says my father, and I never once suggested Suk.

  – Stockhausen, says my mother. For fucksake. Stockhausen or Suk.

  And so this is the pair – Bleach and Ammonia – who gave me life and this grand ruin of a house in which to enjoy it. 26 Hibernia Road, Dún Laoghaire. Three-storey, over-basement, Victorian residence c.1850, features including original fireplaces, quality cornicework, centre roses, panelled doors and five generous bedrooms of proportions considered gracious. From the street, it resembles every other house in this section save for its evident security apparatus – a multitude of surveillance cameras perched like blackened gargoyles on the walls. All of it necessary alas as we live in changed times and while Hibernia Road, leading to Britannia Avenue, now Casement Avenue and named for Sir Roger, was once an address considered salubrious (c.1850), it’s now no more than a desolate trench of dereliction and crime. Burned-out, sea-blown, not altogether inhabited and shoved well back from the main strip, Hibernia Road is, these days, neither visited nor travelled. Not by citizens. Not by Guards. Not even by the gentlemen and ladies of the military. Ours or theirs.

  In fact the whole town of Dún Laoghaire, named for a 5th-century king of Tara, is now largely defunct and undesirable. Like a mouthful of rotten teeth it grins ever more grotesquely into the swill of Dublin Bay – Cuan Bháile Átha Cliath – polluted beyond all salvage by plutonium, uranium and flesh and where sits, in apparent permanence, a Brobdingnagian aircraft carrier, named not for Kevin Barry, just a lad of eighteen summers, or Maggie Barry who sang “The Flower of Sweet Strabane”, or James J. Barry of Barry’s Original Blend Corkonian Tea, but for Commodore John Barry, the Father of the American Navy, born in Wexford in 1745. The thing has been sitting there for so long now that people don’t even see it any more. And if they do they pass no further remarks. And in any case, don’t all the nice girls love a sailor?

  Dún fucking Laoghaire. Where I have lived all my life. Dún Laoghaire, Dún Laoire, Dunleary (briefly Kingstown) where the monks of St. Mary’s caught their shoals of herring. In the 17th century it was a landing place for big-shots and men-of-war and in 1751 a shark was hauled ashore. In 1783 an African diver disappeared under the waves iin a diving bell, and in 1817 the first stone of the East Pier was laid and all those virgin tonnes of granite were dug out of Dalkey Hill and dumped. Otherwise there’s not much to commend the place at all. Not now anyway. Dún Laoghaire. 9.65 km ESE of the metropolitan hub – the very spot where the Millennium Spire used to be and, before that again, an effigy in Portland Stone of Lord Horatio Nelson, Viscount and Baron Nelson of the Nile and of Burnham Thorpe etc., etc. The Pillar blown to smithereens of granite and black limestone in 1966. Granite from Kilbride. Pedestal, column and capital. His nibs on the summit, myopic, head lathered in the guano of herring gulls. Vice Admiral of the White and my two uncles that did it. Maguire and Patterson. And Clery’s Clock stopped dead at 1:31 am. Faoileán scadán. The colony. The colonized. Nelson’s blasted colon : the colonoscopy for fucksake. And I’m sleepy now. Might roll over yet and perhaps some dreams will come. And snooze. And slumber. And I might as well. Only young once. Snuggle and snooze.

  But of course this rain was wrong and I raised my head to check once more that this really was my room. And surely it must be. The goose-down duvet, grey and unstained, the clock and the Glock, the empty glass still fragrant with dusty Hennessy, the ancient maps of Paris and the Dingle Peninsula, the curling snaps of smiling people long dead, and the sideboard with the stolen bust of Berkeley fitted with old wraparound shades, now a bookend for the little concertina of Sci-Fi paperbacks all read so
eagerly when I was a boy so happily in love with the future. Berkeley, Bishop of Cloyne, nicked sixty years ago from the Long Room of Trinity College and taken out the front gate in a wheelbarrow. So yes, I assured myself once more, with an element of certainty now, that this was, surely to goodness, my room. My own leaba in number 26 and I had not, unless I was grievously mistaken, been kidnapped or otherwise rendered in my sleep. And it was my birthday too. And in Dún Laoghaire, as if to mark the occasion, there appeared to be actual precipitation.

  These thoughts, such as they were, uncontrolled, semi-conscious and leapfrogging each other, were suddenly interrupted by a most extravagant yawn. My jaws shifted and cracked and a pain shot through my skull like a little private bullet of my own. And then there followed the long slow-motion masticatory shimmy in order to correct the jawbones again and with that second crack there came a certain peace, not so much a click this time as a clock, and I could relax again, still alive, glubbing now on my pillow like an old lippy cod. Gadus morhua. Extinct source of vitamins A, D, E and several essential fatty acids. And what a treat that would have been on my birthday. Cod and Chips from Burdock’s of Werburgh Street, named for the church of St. Werburgh, named for Werburgh of Chester, a Benedictine abbess, prophetess and seer of the secrets of hearts. And Burdock’s had haddock and ray and lemon sole and scampi and goujons – until that final scare, that is, and everyone stopped eating fish. Even the cormorants in Dún Laoghaire stopped eating fish and they all died away with the seals. The Germans call it Seezunge. And the Spaniards too. I do miss a bit of tongue, says Missus McClung. Lenguado. All things lingual and gustatory. Larus argentatus. And that terrifying colony ensconced in the ruins of Liberty Hall, dive-bombing all who might chance it on foot across the Tara Street Bridge. Screeching. Wheeling. Plummeting. And the best of it all is that it’s more than likely that I know every last one of them – both chancer and gull – by name, reputation and record. Because nothing gets past a man as invisible as me. Oh where oh where is that gallant man? Eighty-four today.